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SOTB!!!'s WIRTB Review: Spider-Man 3

Greetings to one and all.

It is I, the greatest thing since mini toasted sliced bread bites, SOTB!!!, back on the scene with a dollar and a dream. If you've been following me for the past few weeks, you may've noticed that I've taken up the hobby (read: self-inflicted BDSM) of reviewing crap wrestling PPVs and asking the question: was it really that bad? In a sense of natural progression, I've been asked by True to do some WIRTB Reviews for DefineARevolution.com. But instead of wrasslin', I've been tasked with reviewing movies.

Our first victim is 2007's Spider-Man 3. Yep, the one with Topher Grace being all Billy Badass because reasons and the fact that he and Tobey Macguire kind of looked alike.

An alternate title to this film was Eric Forman: All the Way Turnt Up. It originally involved him eating Mila Kunis.

Now, I have a personal anecdote about this movie, as it was one of the first I actually got out with some friends in college, got some drinks (read: pre-gamed at our dorms because underage drinking) and went to the midnight screening. We ended up running into the brother Drizzle's ex, which was all sorts of weird and kind of distracted me from the shitshow that was about to unfold.

But not for long.


Let me start off by saying that I'm somewhat well-versed on the (now-former) Marvel Universe and how it kind of lived by the tagline: "anything can happen because Stan Lee is a genius and he can write a mutant MLK with laser beams fighting Adolf Hitler and it'd still make sense." However, this movie's inability to focus was one of its downfalls. We bounce around from Sandman, to the guy who killed Peter's uncle in the first movie (maybe?), to Venom, to a tease of Lizard, to Hobgoblin New Goblin (because we're on the original timeline, not the Ultimates or any of the multiverses, I think) to Peter Parker/Spider-Man being the villain himself, back to Venom and New Goblin to close the show. Characters bounce in and out of scenes like ping-pong balls at a college frat party, the action isn't as thought-out as in the first two of the series, and viewers are often left as confused as a freshman with a spiked Sprite (this actually happened to me personally, so I can comment on it).

The plot is pretty much "Peter gets the Symbiote from space and gains the Black Costume and an even more douchebag demeanor. Let's watch crazy shit happen because of this, because we all know he's going to eventually reject it, kill Sandman, and Venom will appear." Or something.

Now, Topher Grace works, in some ways, as Eddie Brock. He's Peter Parker, but a bit more "cool" (even though he really isn't). He was fresh off That 70's Show and was slated to be the next star to come from 70s, because of his ability to be a sarcastic assclown that you still want to cheer. However, where Grace as Venom just makes me wanna holler and throw up both my hands is simple.

The CGI in this movie was pretty top-notch, though.

By the time he full-on appears as Venom, you start to full-on cheer for the "heel." I mean, Peter Parker is great and all, but he's, in this movie especially, kind of an idiot. He's a genius, but he's an idiot. He's kind of an asshole, and not really the likable asshole Peter Parker we see in the comics. And, he's kind of just a jerk. Eddie Brock is this way because he's practically possessed. What's your excuse, Pete? In a movie of this ilk, you shouldn't start to cheer for the bad guy when they are about to blow up the world, and you shouldn't start to cheer for the bad guy when he's got the protagonist's long-time love interest/bestie dangling over New York City. But, people did. I especially had some major lulz on account of it. And, yes, Topher Grace does this perfectly...but for Spider-Man 3, he did it a bit too well.

This movie tries to squeeze the entire fucking universe of Spider-Man (kind of) into two hours and fifteen minutes. And, while financially successful, the film was met with mixed reviews from critics and actual fans of the series. So, I don't even think we need to ask the question. But, I'll do it anyway.

Was Spider-Man 3 really that bad? Does a bear shit in the woods? Do erotic dancers get accosted by perverts who want to "live the dream?" Does Iggy Azalea just need to shut the fuck up every once in a while? Is Kirsten Dunst kind of a wack actress?

YES!

So, until next time (possibly a review of Soul Plane, Chris Webber's CD for Boi-1da.net, or another wrasslin' review, whichever comes first), this is SOTB!!! saying peace be with you and remember: I review the crap, so you don't have to.

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