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WIRTB Review: The Sandler Trifecta of Suck - Part Three

Well, we've come...to the end...of the road. And thank God, I'm ready to let go. As always, I'm Speed on the Beat and this is the finale to my look at the film career of Adam Sandler. So far, we've seen Funny People, we've seen Big Daddy, we've seen...Grown Ups and Chuck and Larry. Where do we go from here? Now that many of the children who grew up on Sandler's peak films are probably around my age, we're in the homestretch, so let's begin.

After Grown Ups, filmgoers were told to Just Go With It. This film could've worked if it wasn't played so straight. In other words, if this film was set up, like Funny People, to be kind of a parody of Sandler and some of the d-bag characters he's played, it may've worked a bit better. However, the premise of the film played out like yet another Sandler rom-com vehicle. He's a older d-bag pervy plastic surgeon (because apparently, there are no other types in Hollywood). Said surgeon, Danny, uses his charms to bed women through what amount to pity fucks, essentially. He meets a "hot young chick" and he needs someone to play his wife to continue to get laid by "the hot young chick."

Enter co-worker Katherine, played by Jennifer Aniston, who passes herself off as a trophy wife named after her college rival. "Hilarity" ensues, ultimately reaching a peak in Hawaii. See, Katherine runs into her "namesake." And it's now her time to pass Danny off as hubby, rather than look like a "busted down single parent," because single parenthood is a cardinal sin in movies...unless you're black or brown.

We get a sheep scene (don't ask, just...don't) and then our usual "heartfelt moments," where everything falls apart--only to be repaired in the "right" way by the end of the movie. It's not a bad film, but as with other Sandler flicks, I really don't want to cheer for his character. His only real redeeming quality, in my opinion, is that he's good with kids. That's probably because he's a kid himself in some ways.

After Go, we got a film which won every Razzie it was nominated for. Jack and Jill is...fuck it. It's a bad movie. It's like evil incarnate wrapped in Adam Sandler doing the Madea/Joe thing. Except Tyler Perry is actually sometimes funny when he's Madea. I sat through this film with someone on a dare. I won the bet, but lost at life. That's all I can say.

2012's That's My Boy is Billy Madison meets Big Daddy. A guy who is a slacker and potentially a bit disturbed becomes someone's father. Said son dislikes his father because father is a drunk slacker (who owes the IRS money). Over the course of the film, Daddy Dumbass tries to figure out a way to get said money (he ultimately decides on doing some sort of reality show). This whole thing coincides with Son Dumbass's wedding to a woman who is revealed to be having a sexual affair with her sister. So, instead of Bride-Dumbass-to-Be being ruined, she pays Daddy Dumbass some hush money. And Son Dumbass, who's birth name is Han Solo Berger, ends up dating Ciara (who plays a stripper in this film).

Yep.

You'd think, even though these films make money (probably because people want to see for themselves if their really that bad), that Sandler would say fuck it all and try to do better. Either that or retire because he's worth $300 Million. Life just isn't fair sometimes. And that's why we got Grown Ups 2. I'm skipping Hotel Transylvania because it is what it is: a "family" film with Universal Studios monsters and their kids. It's Monsters, Inc. in some ways, with more of a Dexter's Lab-like kick, if that makes sense.

Grown Ups 2 is a film that American soldiers should use for torture instead of what they do not. If any enemy of the state can withstand this entire movie, they almost deserve to be batshit crazy. I mean, at least the first film tried to be funny. This one just says "fuck it. Here's Adam Sandler and Stone Cold Steve Austin in a scene together. Uhh...yeah. Opposites attract or some shit."

We've got three films to go. And they all look like they suck. I think I'll just run them down in brief summaries because they're so similar to his other films.

Blended: Drew Barrymore returns to work with Sandler to negative results. It's like if Sandler created The Brady Bunch in Africa during the 2000s.

Men, Women & Children: Quick! What do you get when you take the director of Juno, put him with Sandler, and have them both give heavy-handed performances on the topic of online addiction? You get this self-righteous piece of shit.

The Cobbler: Every time I think that Sandler can't do worse, he does.

So, at the end of this three part shitstorm, my verdict on the film career of Adam Sandler is as follows. Yes, he will continuously have more money than I'll ever see in a lifetime (probably). But, his movies still mostly suck ass. If I had to choose between tons of cash and making that cash off shitty movies (and I claim to love art)? I'd choose to get less money and do roles which aren't just bufoonery. In some ways, I feel that Sandler is scared to step out his comfort zone except for once every five-to-seven years,

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