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The Relationship Corner Roundtable: Break-Ups



A relationship is always looked at as the ultimate. In dating, we all aspire for love at some point and the concept of settling down one day. However, what about when it falls apart? What about when nothing goes as planned? Today, I gathered a group of DAR folks that share their personal experience and advice for dealing with breakups and moving on.



@PorshaIsBack
I don't take relationships lightly, therefore breakups are always devastating. We've all experienced a break up and no matter what, it's difficult and draining to say the least. I was with my ex for 2.5 years and the break up was difficult. This was someone who was different on many levels, the connection was instantaneous, the conversations were fantastic and the chemistry was great. I couldn't foresee a breakup at the time, let alone how to cope with one. Just to give some insight about myself, my biggest downfall is I get attached, very attached, I'm a creature of routine and habit. I like consistency, so a breakup for me at any level is a turn my world upside down and tear out my heart kind of experience. It's easy to sit here and say don't creep their social media, don't text, don't call..... but the truth is we will. I think that's a natural reaction. We should not do this, but it's just human nature. LIMIT this behavior. It's really not helping anything at all. I did the IG creeping, tweet reading, subbing, quote posting…I did all of that. I exhausted that. In fact, I'm surprised my twitter followers are still following me. I got to a point where I was sick of it, sick of crying, sick of reading, sick of thinking, sick of posting so I implemented these 2 things to cope...

1) Whenever you want to do something, send a text to your ex, call or creep their social media or whatever the case, ANYTHING you want to actually do, ask yourself "What purpose will this serve and what am I going to get out of it"? I can almost guarantee you nothing positive or beneficial will be the answer. Ask yourself that every single time no matter how frequent. "If I send this "I miss you text" what purpose will that serve? So he'll know I miss him/her? and then what, so he/she can ignore it"? I don't think anyone wants that for themselves.

2) Familiarize yourself with Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now" - I will summarize it for you - Live in the NOW - every time you want to react, ask yourself this simple question, "What has [insert ex's name here] done RIGHT NOW (in this exact second) to elicit my anger or reaction?" 10/10 the answer will be "nothing…he/she hasn't even talked to me. He/she hasn't even replied to my message etc", everything that is causing you to react is a result of something they DID and you can not live there…that's the past. Ask yourself this question EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU WANT TO REACT, even if that's 4000 times in a row. THIS was the turning point for me. It was only with this that I was able to let go…it was honestly like a breath of fresh air. I asked myself "what has he done right NOW in this very moment to cause my tears, my reaction etc." The answer was always nothing.

I think coping has a lot to do with reflection and yourself rather than everyone else around you. By all means go out with friends, keep yourself distracted and busy, but the above is to be used when you're alone, in bed at 1am looking up at the ceiling and no one is around and that horrific ball of tears develops in your throat, or when you get so angry you want to punch a hole through the wall or break something. This definitely worked for me, it was ground breaking in my life. I hope it works on others too.

@Tariku_
October 4th 2013 will forever be a day of sadness for me. It was my first real breakup. My first real heartbreak. Gabrielle Cherie Horton was my girlfriend for a long time and I thought we had the potential to go all the way. On that night, she ended things out of nowhere. My world began to crumble. Thoughts of suicide ran through my mind. I didn't feel like I could continue in life anymore. Getting over break ups is tough. Very tough. Requires a lot of patience and reflective thinking. Focusing on the good times, letting all the tears out, and learning to leave things in the past. Best thing that can happen is closure. Gabby texted me the night after New Years and gave me the closure I needed to move on. 2014 was a year of me really trying to get through the last pieces of my heartbreak. I began to get my life back together. Family is another key to getting through a breakup. My baby sister Assata gave me all the happiness I needed to keep going and progress that year. Getting over a breakup also causes you to get stronger and gain knowledge about relationships. Everybody should go through a break up. It gives you understanding, which gives you wisdom to be better for the next person. Fast forward to today and I'm happy with a woman who is the love of my life. Putting the past behind me and looking forward to the future is the most important thing to do in order to get over heartbreak. Now I'm looking forward to the future with Jayla. Time will tell but I'm gonna put my best foot forward and hope for the best.

@CurlsandSports
You can tell a lot about a person based on the look they give. Is it a sad look? Is it a happy look? If you're brave enough to ask, chances are, they're going through a breakup.

The majority of our pop culture likes to feed off one topic: breakups. Breakups are never easy and this day in age, are more public than ever. Once we see a girl or guy take down the photos of their significant other, we're quick to "stalk" and see if they broke up. Don't deny it: you know it's true. There are also constant articles that focus on every angle of a breakup. No need to examine it because it's already over. But how you move on is what truly counts. You can't mope around forever, because after all, a new opportunity may present itself when you least expect it.

Depending on how long you had with the person, that may determine your sadness. It's a terrible thing to say, I know, but it's the truth. You'll be bothering your friends for a while with your breakup story, but trust me, you'll get over it. No matter what gender you identify yourself with, it's perfectly fine to cry, and do us a favor and cry it all out. The last thing anyone wants to see are random tears while you're out.

Women for some reason have this fixed idea that they shouldn't have a rebound because that's a male trait. It may be true but it's also okay to get over someone by getting under someone else. Now, we're not condoning whoreism in any shape or form but you can't mourn this person forever now.

For men, I feel it's a bit different. Men tend to maybe keep to themselves or go through what people call a "hoe phase." A hoe phase is when you sleep with whatever comes your way. Although it's digging the issue deeper, because you're not really facing it, some men deal with breakups by sleeping with other women. There's no need to judge them. Some people just go about it their own way. Don't think I'm grouping men all together either. Some men are more in touch with their feelings and will stay to themselves before they trust anyone else again.

After a breakup, no matter the cause of the breakup, trust is lost and many lose the ability to trust anyone else to get close to them because they're afraid of a heartbreak. The heart doesn't mend unless you don't want it to. Don't get in the way of your own happiness by something that happened with your past.

One major thing we all do, which sucks, is somehow, we start talking to our exes again. They're the root of the problem and the reason for your sorrow. Why would you let that person in once again? Science hasn't proved it, but I think I can say we're idiots and are used to something. Once you adapt, it's hard to want change, but it's important to stay the hell away from your ex, at least for a bit.

During breakups, it's time to be selfish and care about yourself more than you did before. Have you ever wondered how people can possibly move on? If you put your mind to something, anything can get done, even long division too. Worrying about the other person is also very damaging. The whole, "Oh, I wonder if she/he thinks about me or has at all." Who cares really? Nobody. Don't be upset at how the other person handles it either. If they're busy with someone else, that's just how they choose to handle breakups. Why should it matter what the other person is doing? Worry about yourself.

How should you go about handling a breakup if it comes to you? Honestly, there's no real way to handle it, except by facing the harsh reality that you and this person are no longer one. One suggestion that I should give is the gym. The gym became my sanctuary in a past relationship and now, it's a part of me. Why pay for therapy when you can pay for a gym membership? Another good thing is to surround yourself around good people because they're sure to lift your spirits up.

Take as much time as you need. No one is rushing you into anything, or at least we don't think so. And remember, time really does heal all and this person will be a thing of the past in no time.

@JustKels88
When it comes to break ups, I've really only had two real ones. The first was my high school sweetheart, and we kind of broke up via Facebook a little while into our freshman year of college. Shit happens, I guess. I wasn't really too torn up about it. The second one was a killer, though. I tend to have a very nonchalant attitude about things, so it's really not something I dwell on. But, we were together for about 7 years and we have a son together.

Im not sure that I have a lot to say in the way of breakups, but I learned to let the universe work accordingly. If you or your partner were wholly fulfilled or happy in a relationship, there wouldn't be a breakup. And why would anyone want to live any other way? Not to be cold hearted or anything, but the sadness or anger that people stew in after a relationship doesn't work and is counterproductive. Whether it be 6 months or 6 years, if something isn't supposed to happen, then it's not going to.

The best thing to do after a breakup is to surround yourself with childhood friends or family, the people who know you as you. The you that might have slipped your mind while being a part of a relationship or when you were wallowing in the sadness of not being a "them" or "us" anymore. Relationships and love are amazing and I would never say otherwise, but them coming to an end can be part of the experience. Let life happen sometimes.

@Mdizzle9000
With everything that I've been through, nothing can really hurt me at this point except sharp objects and women. My last bad break up had me in an even worse place. It was a depression that had me in my room, replacing meals with blunts and barely leaving except for work. Also, part of the whole break up was her kicking my ass out and sending me back to mom's crib, so that was contributing heavily to my ever so weary "fuck this shit" attitude. I call this short lived episode of my life the coldest winter ever. I think that's a book about a prostitute or something, but thats beside the point.
   
On the flip side, I also have a story of a girl that wanted to give me everything. Bought me gifts, shared my love of Futurama and marijuana, and would have probably let me piss on her face if it was my prerogative. Long story short, I could have lived off her ass and cartwheeled into prosperity. The only issue was that she was dumber than a bowl of lead paint chips and dip. I couldn't really have intellectual conversations with her. I could barely get her to understand basic concepts/scenarios, and talking to her became a chore. When she didn't want to stay to see the post credit scene in a Marvel movie, she had to go. I left her to go back to my sons mother, because she owns my soul(don't tell her that).
   
I learned that I need a woman who truly fufills me and compliments my personality. I'd love to have a sugar mama scoop me up and take me away, but to be with somebody I am not compatable with, there is no amount of gifts and good head that will get me to stay forever. Maybe I'm just playing the game on hard mode, but I still believe in love and spiritual obligations that go beyond physical comforts and material objects. Peace.

@TrueGodImmortal
Well, I guess it's my turn. When talking breakups, I can only look to one experience, since I have only been in one actual relationship seriously. I had a 2 year off and on high school relationship, but that breakup really didn't affect me. My breakup happened now over 2 years ago and I have been single ever since. I think I didn't cope too well with it, mainly because it represented the end of my previous comfort. In some ways, the breakup was the best thing to happen to me. It really was. After a near 8 year relationship, being single allowed me clarity. A lot of people go through breakups and have to find themselves again. I was lucky that I did not have to do this, but it was still an adjustment.

You are with someone everyday for years, then suddenly it's just you. I put all my energy into happiness with my daughter and that kept me afloat mentally, since we lived together for like 6 months AFTER the breakup. It's different when you have a child. I was more heartbroken over not being able to raise our child in that family environment versus the actual breakup. We say things like "I don't know what I would do without you", but the reality is, life goes on. I didn't handle my breakup the best, as I ended up just going through a lot of shit personally on top of that, and buried my issues in sex. I was going out a lot, multiple times a week, meeting new women and fucking. That was my focus for a few months. After awhile, I got my focus in order more, and focused on getting my ventures moving.

I don't have advice for getting over a breakup. It depends on the person. I haven't let many women get close to me as far as emotionally since the breakup and that's just the way it is. I do believe people should take time to focus on themselves after a breakup. Too often, we tend to rush into situations that are not good for us or not the right one. Staying to yourself, being single and enjoying yourself is vital. If you rely on other people for your own happiness personally, I would say there is an issue. Regardless, breakups are a learning experience. Try your best to move on as smooth as you can, but if it proves challenging, that's totally understandable. Everyone moves on at a different pace.

Do you have any breakups that helped you? Hurt you? Affected you? Share with us.

-DAR

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