WIRTB Review: You Got Served

It's about that time. The time where I step up and look at a classic dance film. It's got everything. Drama, suspense, niggas dancing in the rain in slow-motion. I'm talking no film other than 2004's You Got Served. What, you were expecting Dirty Dancing or Fame? Nope. We're talking the movie that was written and directed by its stars' manager, Chris Stokes, the man almost more bent on reminding us he is/was famous than making others famous these days.

...you can make your own horrible jokes there, because I'm not touching Benzino Lite.

The movie's tagline was "If you want respect, you've got to take it." Any movie that starts off with sexual assualt-esque language like that is already doomed to be fucking off the chains. Seriously, why the hell is the tagline so...rape-y? Did we randomly take a wrong turn into Oz territory? Fucking hell, man.

Anyway, our film opens with, who else, Marques Houston and Omarion. Elgin and David (references to the proto-Temptations group The Elgins and Temps legend David Ruffin or nah? Probably nah) are dancing in their crew against some randoms led by Vick. So, we've got a guy named after a watch, a guy possibly named after David Ruffin, and a guy who shares his street name with Michael Vick. ...okay, then. Elgin's team wins because duh. Oh, wait. I forgot to mention the club owner's name. Oh my God, it's Steve Harvey as Mr. Rad. Yep, his name is "Mister Rad" as in, probably, "radical." What next? We're gonna have someone say "tubular?!" I digress, though.

These clean-cut "ruffians" are, after the battle, revealed to be into that dangerous, but oh so cliched-when-presented-in-this-movie, street life. They are drug runners for some asshole named Emerald (jeez, who the fuck named these schmucks?), played by the late Michael Taliferro.

Elgin and David, obviously, use their earnings to get into their dance battles. They're hustlers who pop lock to...not even pay the bills? I'm confused already. But, fuck it. We've got a whole movie to get through.

...True, just so you know, I hate you for this one.

So, after useless moments in the film, we're introduced to our villain, Wade. This spoiled turd already looks 30, but he's supposed to be a teenager or something, right? They should've just picked this asshole to play Goku in that horrible live-action Dragonball movie. He's already got the frosted Super Saiyan tips. I mean, fuck. If you're gonna whitewash it, at least whitewash it well, amirite? He looks like Lance Bass if Lance Bass ate Channing Tatum and absorbed Tatum's chin through some sort of photosynthesis bullshit. God, this dude is just so...awkward-looking.

Wade, because money talks, gets the attention of David and Elgin and tells them to battle him for money. Elgin gets pissed because Wade challenges his crew's dancing manhood so, of course, he borrows money from his family to get in line for the battle.

Oh, I forgot about this gem too. Marques Houston, in prep for a battle (I probably fucked up the chronology, but screw it. This movie doesn't deserve my full attention), this...brother was in a gym boxing to prep for a dance battle? Who the fuck you battling, Floyd Mayweather? Nigga, just...nah. I know dancing takes some skills and some prep. My son's in breakdancing classes and he's got to have the upper body strength to rival a 10-year-old at five to do some of the shit he's expected to do. However, boxing to prep for a dance battle? Get all the way the fuck outta here. Twice. On a space rocket headed straight to Uranus. At least just watch Thriller or something. That'd probably have more to do with what the hell you're supposed to be doing.

God, this movie makes no sense.

Wade and Elgin's team battle and they start scrapping. Well, scrapping within the confines of a Chris Stokes movie. They might as well be dance fighting like West Side Story, but with throwbacks and whatnot instead of greaser jackets. Why? Wellp, Elgin's team got their moves stolen by one of their former teammates and all hell breaks out. And then? We get the line of the century.

"You're just mad...'cause tonight, you suckas got served."

When I saw this in the theaters (I took this girl I kinda liked--no, not The Random Eclectic Energizer Killing Apparatus), I laughed my ass off at the "conviction" Wade and his crew had when this line was dropped. I died a little inside because I actually went to go see this movie in theaters. But, screw it. Girls loved B2K and I loved girls, soooo...yeah.

The White Guys (I forgot if they have an actual team name) take over Mr. Rad's--seriously, they couldn't think of a better name?--club. Elsewhere in What the Fuck Land, David's trying to get into Jennifer Freeman's drawers. I mean, why wouldn't he, right? It's Jennifer Freeman, the woman who made Earl Watson marry her (remember him? He's your new Suns coach) and whatnot. His drawers-getting endeavor ends up getting Elgin beaten and his drug money stolen because, you know, drugs and shit. Everyone breaks up and they start feuding, like any midcard tag team would.

Except, you know, no one becomes Shawn Michaels. They're both just Black Marty Jannettys.

After attempts to reunite the two prove fruitless (even the mention of the "Big Bounce" dance-off), Emerald gets wind of the lost money which results in, you guessed it, a big drug dealer scare moment. So...many...cliches. Both guys form new teams for this fuckery and during the Big Bounce qualifiers, one team fucks up (hi David; shouldn't have been panty-sniffing Jennifer Freeman) and one gets through.

Meanwhile, another "I shouldn't laugh but I did because of the script" moment pops up when Lil' Saint gets killed in a drive-by because, you know, perils of the 'hood and shit.

In any other movie, this would be a poignant moment. Then again, in any other movie, you wouldn't have everyone with the innate ability to pop lock and drop it like GAWDS. So, I crack up every time someone mentions doing it for Lil Saint. Does that make me heartless? Eh, nah. Read that in a Damon Wayans voice because Jennifer Freeman and Katie from My Wife and Kids. Fuck Lil' Saint. Do it for Parker McKenna Posey.

I digress, again.

So, Elgin's team gets a name change and begin calling themselves The Lil' Saints (yay, right?!). Of course, in the big dance-off, The Lil' Saints and The White Kids--I mean, Wade's Crew(?)--they meet again in the final. What's the big prize, you ask? $50,000 and a chance to star in a Lil' Kim video.

What? This was right after Kim had "The Jump Off" rejuvenate her career. This makes sense. It's one of maybe three things in this movie that does, but it still makes sense.

The teams square off and have one of the craziest overreactions to a tie. You'd think someone got shot--again! This leads to, why not, another dance-off between the two with "street rules" or something cock-and-bull to make this more "urban." David asks for one mo' chance and the homies get things right and tight with each other (there was absolutely no homoeroticism within this movie, right? Right?!). In their "straight hood" rematch with Wade's crew, the team does it for Lil' Saint and tells the White guys they got served.

The end.


So, was You Got Served that bad?! I'm gonna do this for Lil' Saint and say hell, yeah. If you watch it like a borderline black comedy, a la The Room (one movie I don't think I'll ever touch because everyone has), you'll have fun. If you're expecting a serious dance drama, there are better choices. Hell, even the Step Up series offers more in the way of seriousness. Many (read: almost all) of the serious moments in Served, they get undercut by shitty writing and wonky acting. If Stokes would've let someone else handle the writing and/or directing, the film could've worked in a way that wasn't a guilty pleasure. 

But, hey, what the hell do I know, right?

I'm Speed on the Beat, signing off. Remember, I review this crap, so you don't have to. Take Care.


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